Why it's important to reflect but not dwell

It’s been a pretty long time since I’ve written a blog: forty-five days to be exact. My original goal was to write one per day, but after I realized that simply wasn’t feasible, I adjusted my goal to 1-2 posts per week. Why did I fail that goal too?

After I reflected on the first half of the semester, I came to a couple conclusions of why I fell behind on my blog. The first is that I misjudged how much time I would have to devote to my other commitments, which resulted in me putting off my blog. And instead of planning and setting aside time to get everything done that I needed to do, I let my stress take over and put off everything that wasn’t urgent. Finally, I realized that once you do something consistently and then stop doing it for a short period of time, it’s easy to let that short period of time turn into a long period of time. So, why is this relevant?

Some conversations I’ve had over the past few weeks gave me the inspiration to get back into my blog, and I decided I would write about reflection versus dwelling. With that being said, I have a couple quotes saved in my Notes app on my phone that I want to highlight:

“Grow throughout what you go through.”

“You can drown yourself in grief, but every second you spend grieving will be time stolen from what you still have.”

The first quote (I’m not sure of its origin) demonstrates reflection. When something happens, whether it’s positive or negative, it’s important to look back on the situation and analyze the outcome and the process you followed to get to that outcome. If you need help doing this, think about the following questions: What could I have done differently to make the outcome more positive? Did something happen that I couldn’t control? If something similar happens in the future, how can I learn from this experience to make sure it goes better next time? How can I use my experience to help others succeed when they go through something similar?

The second quote illustrates dwelling and is included in this letter written by Tim Shaw, a former NFL linebacker who was diagnosed with ALS in 2014. An individual with all the incentive in the world to lament about what happened to him, Tim actually identifies his struggle with ALS as the best time in his life because of the relationships he’s developed and the impact he’s made on others’ lives. In other words, rather than focusing on his terminal illness, Tim instead chooses to prioritize leaving the world a better place than when he found it.

So the next time you perform poorly on a test, miss your exercise goals for the week, or have a disagreement with a friend, keep your head up. Don’t let it weigh you down. Reflect, but don’t dwell. Think about what happened, and when you identify how it could have gone better, note those differences and keep them in mind for next time.

And when you succeed? Definitely don’t dwell, because when you get too caught up in your successes, you stay stagnant. “Grow throughout what you go through” also means improving upon your successes and not being satisfied with them. Earlier this month, I interviewed with a company whose motto is “RTFB – Raise the f****** bar.” While they learn from their failures, they emphasize perceiving successes as opportunities to aim for even higher achievement in the future, rather than being satisfied and continuously shooting for the same goal.

I learned about "RTFB" during my final round interview with that company, and I still haven’t heard back from them. While it’s not too late, I’m not expecting to get an offer. But instead of dwelling on the fact that I haven’t gotten an offer, I reflected on my interview, thought about how it could have gone better, and prepared for subsequent interviews more effectively by developing a plan to follow before each one. While I don’t have any concrete evidence yet, I think it’s working. And if it doesn’t work? I’ll reflect again, and again, and again, until I get it right.

Personally, I’ve tended to dwell on things. That’s just how my mind has worked throughout my life. But Tim says something else in his letter too: “you can always change your attitude.” From now on, I’m going to try to reflect rather than dwell. And I challenge you to do the same, because every second you spend dwelling will be time stolen from what you still have.